Good days, bad days.

This is one of those days that is the very definition of the term fight heart disease. You. Are. Fighting. No one ever said it was easy. Today is a bad day. It's a shame to because my aunt is in town. I had breakfast this morning with her and my father. I should have cancelled. The problem with having other people see me struggle is that's all they see. They don't see me working out or having good days. I have one shot for a good impression or I've blown it. Having my loved ones worry so much is the thing I hate most about all this. I'd change it if I could.

Today crept up on me. I got out of the shower this morning and while I was toweling my hair I glanced down and realised I had somehow given myself a bad nosebleed. I was covered in blood. Really? This is how we're going to start the day? It was so bad that if I tilted my head back I choked on the blood. I just pinched it hard and leaned over the sink. It quit dripping eventually and I got another shower. The bathroom got an extra cleaning (sparkling now!) and the towels got some Spray and Wash.

Jeez. 7am and I'm already tired. I finished getting ready and went to breakfast. My pulse is way too high and nothing I did would bring it down. Ever take a deep breath and feel like it's insufficient? Not too little, just not enough. Halfway through our visit I hit a brick wall and went from wanting to be there to just wanting to stay in my seat. Have you ever fainted? Sometimes you get this hypersensitivity to your surroundings. I started casting around for something to look at, anything to hold my concentration. A toddler's red curls were too scarlet, there was a smudge on my spoon, the lights were too bright, someone at the table beside me had the wrong kind of lip liner. I got really flushed. Please, please don't let me faint.

I made it through and upright. Back in my car and time for a new challenge! How the heck am I getting home? This is where the fight comes in. I have no pain, no pressing attack symptoms. I can walk over to my dad's car and have him drive me home. I could call my husband to come get me. Or... I could fight to maintain my mobility. If you always rely on other's you never get better. It's pushing through the days you don't want to that make for more good days. I made it a mile down the road then stopped for a Diet Coke. A few sips helped so I made it all the way to the marina with a clear head and a sick stomach. Bless my iPod. I swear it knew I felt bad so I drove home listening to Nina Simone. Fabulous song choice iPod!

Now I'm home and I plan to spend the rest of this rainy day resting. No phone, no noise, just a rocking boat and a warm blanket. Maybe some quiet time is all I need. Days like this makes me appreciate the good ones more. I'm so stinkin' tired. It never goes away completely. When I got out of the hospital every day was a bad day and the improvement was slow. Now I'm getting better. I'm so much stronger then I was, more honed to handle this, but they'll still happen. For now, me and my sore nose are taking a nap. Later this afternoon I'll take my heart walk and who knows? Tomorrow will most likely be better. One day, soon I hope, I'm going to wake up and go about my business. Halfway through that day it will occur to me. I'm not tired anymore. THAT will be a great day. All the more reason to keep going...