Good days, bad days.

This is one of those days that is the very definition of the term fight heart disease. You. Are. Fighting. No one ever said it was easy. Today is a bad day. It's a shame to because my aunt is in town. I had breakfast this morning with her and my father. I should have cancelled. The problem with having other people see me struggle is that's all they see. They don't see me working out or having good days. I have one shot for a good impression or I've blown it. Having my loved ones worry so much is the thing I hate most about all this. I'd change it if I could.

Today crept up on me. I got out of the shower this morning and while I was toweling my hair I glanced down and realised I had somehow given myself a bad nosebleed. I was covered in blood. Really? This is how we're going to start the day? It was so bad that if I tilted my head back I choked on the blood. I just pinched it hard and leaned over the sink. It quit dripping eventually and I got another shower. The bathroom got an extra cleaning (sparkling now!) and the towels got some Spray and Wash.

Jeez. 7am and I'm already tired. I finished getting ready and went to breakfast. My pulse is way too high and nothing I did would bring it down. Ever take a deep breath and feel like it's insufficient? Not too little, just not enough. Halfway through our visit I hit a brick wall and went from wanting to be there to just wanting to stay in my seat. Have you ever fainted? Sometimes you get this hypersensitivity to your surroundings. I started casting around for something to look at, anything to hold my concentration. A toddler's red curls were too scarlet, there was a smudge on my spoon, the lights were too bright, someone at the table beside me had the wrong kind of lip liner. I got really flushed. Please, please don't let me faint.

I made it through and upright. Back in my car and time for a new challenge! How the heck am I getting home? This is where the fight comes in. I have no pain, no pressing attack symptoms. I can walk over to my dad's car and have him drive me home. I could call my husband to come get me. Or... I could fight to maintain my mobility. If you always rely on other's you never get better. It's pushing through the days you don't want to that make for more good days. I made it a mile down the road then stopped for a Diet Coke. A few sips helped so I made it all the way to the marina with a clear head and a sick stomach. Bless my iPod. I swear it knew I felt bad so I drove home listening to Nina Simone. Fabulous song choice iPod!

Now I'm home and I plan to spend the rest of this rainy day resting. No phone, no noise, just a rocking boat and a warm blanket. Maybe some quiet time is all I need. Days like this makes me appreciate the good ones more. I'm so stinkin' tired. It never goes away completely. When I got out of the hospital every day was a bad day and the improvement was slow. Now I'm getting better. I'm so much stronger then I was, more honed to handle this, but they'll still happen. For now, me and my sore nose are taking a nap. Later this afternoon I'll take my heart walk and who knows? Tomorrow will most likely be better. One day, soon I hope, I'm going to wake up and go about my business. Halfway through that day it will occur to me. I'm not tired anymore. THAT will be a great day. All the more reason to keep going...

The old and the new.

It's rehab Thursday! I l.o.v.e my workouts! Old Gillian was a bit of a gym rat. If all I get is a few light workouts a week I'm there. I've got my bottled water, my heart book, and my gym clothes are on. I park at Thomas Cardiac Rehab... Fairhope has a WONDERFUL facility for us heart guys. We have our own building! My nose felt a little runny so I absentmindedly swiped at it. The side of my hand came away bloody. The cold weather is torturing my nose and I have another nosebleed.

Old Gillian would have flipped the hell out. There would be drama, Corey would be called. Whining would definitely be involved. I didn't do any of that. Squeezing my nose I gathered up my stuff and walked into rehab. I made a beeline for the restroom so I could clean up and wash my hands. After much blotting and dabbing my nosebleed stops and I'm free to take my seat and get my blood pressure taken. Time to shake it off and hit the rowing machine!

It didn't occur to me till I was leaving class that I'm a changing girl. I never could have done that before. Good grief I faint when I get my finger pricked! My body isn't the only thing getting leaner and meaner. I'm developing a tougher character when it comes to medical stuff. Somewhere between the heart attack and the needles up my nose I grew up. Bad stuff happens. You can let it ruin your day or you can take five minutes to fix it then move on. There's no sense getting your nose out of joint! Har har.

And the fun continues...

If you thought the last blog was gross PLEASE don't read this one. I've warned that the nature of this blog can be sometimes graphic and this is one of those times. Sorry. For all of my heart buddies out there I hope you can learn something from this and it will spare you the drama I just got to go through.

The great nosebleed continues! After all that mess the day before yesterday I had put my nosebleed behind me and settled into being sick. It's miserable but everyone gets the flu. Unfortunately, not everyone is on Plavix and Aspirin. Around 6:30 last night I coughed and the nosebleed started up again. This time was a little different though. It was literally dripping blood! Everywhere! No amount of pressure or Kleenex was stopping it so by 8:00 I was walking into the emergency room.

Have you ever just known something was wrong? After hours of pressure and it's still pouring blood I had a bad feeling that this was one of those times. I quit squeezing the hell out of my nose and just concentrated on keeping it from getting all over me. By 11:00 I was right. An ear nose and throat specialist had to be called in to fix it. Apparently, a vein in the very back of my nose had ruptured. No amount of pressure could reach it and with the Plavix it couldn't clot on it's own. Just great.

By now I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm thirsty, and I was so over this. Somewhere between the blood clots and the lidocane nose packing procedure I totally lost my sense of humor in the situation and just sunk into pitiful.

So what did they do? I had my nose packed with lidocane soaked cotton (OW!) to numb it. This was by far the worst part so that's the good news. After I was all numbed up they pull the packing out and inject another numbing agent in your nose to totally desensitize it. After that the doctor cauterizes the broken vein. Viola! Just like magic, no more bleeding! I was kind of nervous about the whole burning nose thing but it wasn't bad at all! The bleeding had been much worse and after almost 7 hours of it I think I would endured much worse to make it stop.

So there you go. The joys of being a heart patient with the flu. The doctors orders are very low activity and no nose blowing. I just have to ride this out for a few days and I'll be as good as new. Now does anybody know any good jokes? Got any funny nose one liners? I could use a good laugh. :)

O.M.G.

Warning! This post is gross. If I didn't have some heart people as readers I wouldn't post it but I would have reeealy loved a heads up myself so here we go. Don't say I didn't warn you!

I got the flu!!! A month of hand sanitizer has been totally wasted and I got the flu anyway. So far, it's unidentified so I'm not worried about the swine variety yet. Why worry about something I can't change anyway? What I DO have is the fever, chills, runny nose, and generally achy miserable feeling. Medication has been called in and picked up so hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Ready for the gross part? Nosebleeds. Apparently if you take Plavix and you get sick a vein in your nose can bust and leave you with a really bad nosebleed. This would have been really useful information YESTERDAY! I've seen a lot of nosebleeds in my life and all it took was a little sneeze to cause the absolute baddest of the bad. I mean pouring blood. It was all over me and all over my clothes. So gross!!! It gets worse though. Plavix is designed to hinder clotting and prevent any from settling in your heart. Unfortunately, this means that clots that form in your nose don't know where they are and just fall out. Now I'd managed to remain calm until I saw that. Seriously?!? That's like horror movie bad. Alien movie bad. I ended up calling my cardiologist in the middle of the night flipping out with Kleenex everywhere. Not my finest moment.

Okay heart buddies. To spare you the trouble, I'm going to tell you what he said and give you the heads up I would have appreciated. DON'T put anything up your nose. That just makes it worse. Apply direct hard pressure to the bridge of your nose and wait it out. If the bleeding lasts over an hour, head to the nearest ER and have them pack it for you. Apparently this is totally normal and even expected to happen. Don't panic and if you have to go to the doctor bring a list of all your medications. Sounds like good advice to me!